Friday, 15 December 2017

Wit Limits

I’ve used the lightning talks at the last two ACCU conferences as a means of subjecting a captive audience to my dreadful array of programming / IT / geek one liners. (My previous two ACCU stand-up routines are published on this blog as “The Daily Stand-Up” and “Stand-Up and Deliver”.) This year was no different, but I wasn’t sure if I had enough “decent” new or unused material to survive the whole 5 minutes; unluckily for the audience I had...

Hence, here are the 34 one-liners I delivered under the title “Wit Limits”  [1] at this year’s ACCU conference:

“I thought it was odd when the doctor prescribed ‘programming’ to help me cope with my migraine; then I realised he said ‘codeine’.”

“These news reports of drone strikes are quite disturbing, but what I don’t understand is why we allowed delivery bots to form unions in the first place.”

“When we have chips at the seaside and I run out of ketchup I like to go round dipping them in other people’s. I call it crowd saucing.”

“The marketing department said we needed to be more disruptive, so I dropped the production database and deleted all the source code.”

“Our product doesn’t have a road map, it has a star map. Each release depends on whatever new shiny thing the developers become infatuated with next.”

“We’ve recently started using CRC cards. We now add a 32-bit checksum to each user story to stop the product owner messing with it mid-sprint.”

“Our Scrum Master is forever asking what we did yesterday, what we’re doing today, and what our impediments are. He’s a big fan of continuous interrogation.”

“I’ve always been envious of the autonomy granted to James Bond, but I guess that’s what you get when you’re M-powered.”

“Teams that refuse to do planning poker have really gone up in my estimation.”

“I’ve always felt it’s important to allow slack time in a schedule. I mean, how else are you going to keep up with all the instant messages?”

“The problem with people who are Prince certified is that they want to manage projects like it’s 1999.”

“Someone recently told me there is a new build system written entirely in F#, but I reckon it’s just Fake news.”

“I know he invented object-orientation, but was the Hexagonal Architecture also invented by Alan Key?”

“Guido seemed somewhat subdued when I asked him about how the Python enhancement process was going, so I gave him a PEP talk.”

“I recently went to see beauty and the beast; a system where the back-end was written in Python and the front-end in JavaScript.”

“I once worked at an online china shop. The CEO said we needed to move fast and break things, so I hired a bull.”

“The problem with Amazon’s Dynamo DB is that it stops working when they stop peddling it.”

“Companies that securely store my important data in offsite data centres really get my back up.”

“Vampires never use database replication as they can’t see their data in the mirror.”

“The other day a sysadmin asked me what I was using to provision hardware; he said that he was using Terraform. I replied, ‘Application Form’.”

“Whenever I provision some new hardware I like to do it in batches of a hundred. My motto is ‘infra-penny, infra-pound’.”

“Calvin Klein once offered me a modelling contract but I had to turn it down when I discovered they still used Rational Rose.”

“The other day I felt really uncomfortable after we had a massive disagreement about whether to use dashes or slashes to prefix our console app switches. I hate command line arguments.”

“I like to think of myself as a pragmatist. When the code doesn’t compile due to warnings, I just pragma them out.“

“I reckon Vim should be classified as a Class A drug on the grounds that it’s impossible to quit.”

“I’m pretty disappointed that my ZX81 based mule racing game keeps falling over. I guess I shouldn’t have called it 1K Donkey.”

“Surely to create safe self-driving cars we first have to solve the Halting Problem?”

“Never use someone that can’t write regular expressions to perform jobs interviews – they tend to be a bad judge of character.”

“When Robocop eats breakfast in the morning does he use his cereal port?”

“If you hit the Levis REST API twice, on endpoints they haven’t implemented, you’ll get a pair of 501’s.”

“The last time my wife and I tried to plait my daughter’s hair concurrently it ended in dreadlock.”

“Someone has been sending me tiny photos of my bank’s login page. I think I’m being subjected to a micro-fiching attack.”

“The last time I hired a rowing boat I could turn left and turn right, but not move forwards or backwards. I reckon it must have had exclusive oars.”

“I’ve always felt it’s important that my kids are well grounded so when they go to bed at night I attach a wire from their ear to the radiator.”


[1] I also used this title for an “agile” focused routine at Agile in the City: Birmingham the month before. However the less said about this performance the better...

1 comment: